Thursday, February 2, 2012

Bad Bread

Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain...
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:1-2

In church on Sunday, the speaker, a peer of mine, shared this passage from Psalms, and it totally pierced me. I have a bad habit of doing lots of work for God, but I forget to do it through God and with Him. It isn't like I am insincere; most of the time I really do want to help people for the sake of helping them. But I forget that I am not supposed to do it all in my own strength. God has to breathe into all of my projects and give me the support to do what He wants.

The second verse of Psalm 127 especially touched me. Whenever I feel myself failing in my enthusiasm for God and His work, I tell myself that I just need to work harder, sleep less, deprive myself of daily needs, in order to fit everything in. This verse says it so perfectly, we do all of those things in vain, because God's always right there to bring relief to our souls.

Eating the bread of anxious toil... this is a tough addiction for me to quit. I keep coming back for the high of being totally busy out of my mind. I don't know why, but I find myself looking for ways to stress myself out. As if God will look down and see me running around, and say, "She looks busy, so she must be doing a great job." But driving myself dotty will not make God happy. He does not want to see us prove ourselves capable. He wants us to admit that we need Him and that we love to rely on Him, the Bread of Life. But relying on Him means giving away some of my control of the situation to God.

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go
Excerpts from "Control" by JJ Heller

I have struggled with giving control back to God in my projects, relationships, and my future, all throughout my life. I want to learn from my and others' mistakes, but that does not seem to be something I'm good at. And that's okay. I fully believe I will learn this lesson again and again. I have come to a place where I understand that it's alright that I cannot completely fix parts of me. What I can do is continually let His love wash over me, and find ways to let Him shine through the broken cracks of my mistakes.

Lord, change my diet from the bread of stress to the Bread of Life.